Capricorn
Lucky number: 67
Lucky color: cat vomit
Love: You are going to find love in a hopeless place (the pyramid’s massage chairs in front of the dollorama)
Money: You are going to find 25 cents on the floor and start crying in joy.
General: Have you been feeling it? It changed, didn’t it? You have been trying to convince yourself that it has always been there, but you know deep inside that you just woke up one morning and felt it inside your skin. Does it move? Can you even sometimes hear it move? You would like it to go away, wouldn’t you? Well it knows, it knows you want it gone, and that knowledge makes it angry, only makes it stronger. You can’t ever get rid of it, it is part of you now. Don’t you wish you could go back to a time before it moved under your skin? Silly you!
Aquarius
Lucky number: -3
Lucky color: omnivox orange
Love: Your soulmate is a blond man named Shaun. I am so sorry.
Money: hahahahahaha
General: Are we Charlie Kirk? Who even is Charlie Kirk? Who even are you? Are you even real? Is Charlie Kirk real? Was Charlie Kirk real? What does “being real” even mean? Is reality real? Or is reality so real that it is unreal? Am I Charlie Kirk? Are you?
Pisces
Lucky number: 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679…
Lucky color: millennial gray
Love: The stars don’t even want to answer this one
Money: In this economy?
General: You wake up to the sound of your mother calling your name. You get up, put your hair in a messy bun, put on a baggy t-shirt and stare at your beautiful blue orbs in the mirror. When you get out of your room, your mom screams “Y/N, get out of here! I sold you to repay my gambling debts.”. You stare as five beautiful men in tight jeans step in the living room. “Hi, we are One Direction”, says the guy in the middle with the beautiful hair and the beautiful orbs the color of deep emerald and soft hazel.
Aries
Lucky number: Jonathan bought a house in 1997 for 100 000$ CAD, and he now wants to sell it, after the housing inflation has gone up 1,036.89%. He also renovated and added a bathroom and repurposed the basement to grow “plants”. The value of the house in March 2026 is x, which is also your lucky number.
Lucky color: maga red (how dare you)
Love: Never forget that God loves you <3 He is the only one that does.
Money: Yeah, you’re right, eating ramens three times a day is a balanced diet as long as you buy different flavors. You go queen.
General: Beware of the fish. They know something you don’t. What do they want with you? You better hope they do not want anything with you. If you see one of them looking directly at you, it is too late. Avoid aquariums and pet stores. The fish who want something with you are indistinguishable from the fish that do not mean harm. Avoid any body of water. If they wish you harm, they will never give up on trying to find you. Avoid faucets and toilets.
Taurus
Lucky number: 0
Lucky color: glow in the dark
Love: You are going to meet the person of your dreams. After going on a few dates that go extremely well, you are going to make things official. After ten years, you are going to be married, with two children called McKayleigh and Ashtraigh, but it will still feel like the first day you met, like butterflies and fireworks every time you see them. One day, they will sit down with you with a gloomy air. “We need to talk”, they will tell you. You will tense up, but try to remain calm because you know that they could never do anything bad, you know them so well. They will then remove the very realistic mask they were wearing, scooby-doo style, to reveal Jeff Bezos.
Money: At least he’s rich I guess.
General: Hey queen! The stars told me that deodorant is on sale at the pharmacy closest to your house right now! The stars told me while pinching their nose to check it out!
Gemini
Lucky number: R
Lucky color: breast milk (spoiled)
Love: You are going to have a date at top-là that will end badly (death). Don’t worry, nobody will know what you did.
Money: Don’t worry, you can’t have less money than 0 dollars, right?
General: I’m not too sure, the stars just said “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
Cancer
Lucky number: 10¹⁹-3
Lucky color: kahoot purple
Love: be careful about pregnancy…
Money: Tell your Sagittarius friend that selling their toes online is a bad idea… And sell YOUR toes instead.
General: Cancer…….CerCan…..Circumference…….Conference……….Interference…….Fence………Defense…………..Definitive……..Finitive……….Fin……..Finland………Land……….Poland…………..Poe……….Hippo………. Is that really just a coincidence?…………..
Leo
Lucky number: 0.000008
Lucky color: you know when you were a kid and you tried to mix all the paint colors together hoping it would be rainbow but then it wasn’t and it was really disappointing?
Love: Wow! Ryan Reynolds is texting you on Facebook! He must be so in love with you! Send him money!
Money: money money, must be funny, in a rich man’s world.
General: Stop caring what others think of you! They cannot even see you! Your existence is invisible and does not matter to anyone outside yourself! Nobody can see you! Where are you even right now? The stars are also looking for you because they can’t find you anymore. “It’s not funny”, they say, “it’s no longer even something figurative, about like not being understood or some shit. You’re literally just transparent and we can’t see you anymore. We miss you leo, sorry we said that about other people not caring. We care about you leo, and we’d like it if you could go back to being a corporeal, visible human. That would make our job a lot easier”.
Virgo
Lucky number: beetle
Lucky color: beetle
Love: beetle
Money: beetle
General: beetle
Libra
Lucky number: XVIXVVI (i dont speak roman sorry)
Lucky color: beige
Love: Your cousin? Really? Dirty dirty libra.
Money: Have you tried gambling yet?
General: If your name is Emily Smith, you live in Quebec City, you have brown hair and brown eyes, and you have a dog and at least one brother, remember to listen carefully at night to the sounds that could come out of your walls.
Scorpio
Lucky number: 911
Lucky color: aqua (no, not turquoise! Turquoise is a green-ish blue whereas aqua is a blue-ish green! Anyways, you wouldn’t get it, you’re not an artist like me)
Love: You should try learning Hungarian. Who knows what might happen.
Money: Listen to alpha male crypto podcasts, they know everything there is to know about money
General: No offense, but you’re the kind of person who bites straight into a block of cheddar cheese. That’s not necessarily bad, but like the stars are judging you. They won’t give you bad luck or anything because of it, but it is giving them the ick. Please stop.
Sagittarius
Lucky number: 0 0
4
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Hihi it’s a little character 🙂
Lucky color: black cause you’re emo lol
Love: your AI girlfriend is not real, get some help
Money: gimme gimme pls
General: Business idea for you: Start selling pictures of your feet but the viewers have to unlock every toe by paying more money. You could also start editing more toes on your pictures so you can make even more money. Remember me when you become rich and famous girlboss! P.S: Don’t let your Cancer friend sabotage you.
