People who identify as a part of the LGBTQ+ community often feel the need to “come out” to the people around them. Coming out (or “coming out of the closet”) refers to the action by a queer person to tell other people about their sexual or gender identity, which is then glorified as an overly important part of their life. As National Coming Out Day is coming soon, (October 11th, 2025) we wanted to write a guide to help you in the eventuality of a loved one’s coming out.
The LGBTQ+ Club
Most of the people of the LGBTQ+ club are already publicly out to other people, and make no effort to hide their identity from their peers. Their objective is to create a safe and accepting environment where anyone will be accepted for who they are. This semester, the club is planning to do more charity work and advocate for queer rights inside of the school, which is why we have interviewed a couple of them to get to know about their experience with coming out.
What to do to Help Someone During their Coming Out:
- Do not interrupt
Coming out is a difficult task that can take a lot of courage. You have been trusted by this person and the very last thing that they want is for you to talk over them. It may seem to be tempting to look for ways to avoid the conversation or to make jokes to diminish your own anxiety, but it is important to let them talk. It’s their moment to talk; not yours. Only they should be allowed to decide how the conversation will go, and you must wait for an appropriate moment if you want to add something or ask questions. A member of the club mentioned that other people already seemed to be aware before they even were, which can be funny, but it can also be hurtful when all of the efforts that it took for the person to come out are interrupted by the words “we already know.”
“I haven’t officially come out to my parents,” says an anonymous member of the club, “and every time I try to talk about being aromantic and asexual, it gets brushed off as just a phase or ‘you haven’t found the right person.’” This is a worry that comes to a lot of queer closeted people; the idea that their identity will be less important than their loved one’s perception of them.
- Be understanding
You might not have to live through the experience of coming out to other people, but that does not mean that you cannot understand the experience. You might not be able to understand how it feels to be non-binary or pansexual, or any of the other identities that exist in the world, but you can ask people who identify as such. Generally, subjects like gender identity and sexuality can be treated as taboo, while things would be far better if they were met in a safe and understanding environment.
“My mom asked me how I knew that I was trans;” said another member, “I asked her how she knew that she was a woman. At first she faltered a little, trying to say that well, she was born that way, but with a little bit of time, she understood what I meant.” In other words, you must understand that you cannot understand.
- Stay respectful
You might have heard bad things about the queer community like stereotypes or harmful words. It may be tempting, based on your education and your upbringing, but it is important to remember one thing: if you really love someone, the fact that they might love or identify differently from your expectations should not matter to you.
Remember that it might just be an exceptional privilege to be trusted with this kind of information. Don’t ruin your loved one’s self confidence.
- Reassure and Validate
Okay, the big part is over; they told you everything that you had to say. Now, it’s time to remind them that you are in a safe space and that they do not have to worry about anything. You can tell them that if anything happens to them or that if they need help with other people, they can come see you and you can deal with it together. You can ask them their chosen name and pronouns if it’s relevant. Little things like that can go a long way to help someone feel more comfortable in their identity.
Validate that you understand (or understand that you can’t) and that you respect their identity. You can ask them about their pronouns or ask them how long they knew. If you think that this person will be comfortable with the question, you can ask them about how they realized and how they feel now that they have told you.
- Do not tell others without the person’s permission
Something that you must be sure to know, though, relates to the people who already know about this person’s identity. You have to know who this person feels safe with and make sure not to tell other people accidentally or voluntarily before your loved one is ready for it. Gossip can be fun at the moment, but it can also be very harmful, given the fact that you have been trusted with someone’s identity, and that they might not be safe in a public setting.
“There is someone I know,” said a member, “who isn’t safe with their family. He would really like to be out as genderqueer at school, but he told me that he could not because there was a single person at school who might gossip about it with his parents and accidentally make his house an unsafe place for him.”
- Do not force someone to come out
You might think that encouraging someone to come out is a good thing, but there is a point where this insistence can become negative and make someone feel unsafe with you. And once again, trust is a very important element in this kind of situation. If someone has given you this much trust, you must make sure to be deserving of it. If you voluntarily tell other people or force them to come out, you might be bringing them into a situation where they could be in danger. People can be put into dangerous situations, simply because of their identity. You might feel like someone is “lying to everyone else” or not valid unless they are publicly out, but there are always reasons why someone might not want to be fully out, and you should respect them even if you don’t know the full extent of it.
“[…] my ex forced me to tell the rest of my family, which made me cry a bunch,” said a member of the club, explaining that their coming out had been involuntary and had negative and long lasting effects on their life, thought they added after, “for friends, I’ve usually been able to tell them pretty quickly but it does stress me out.”
- Create a safe environment
For many different reasons, an environment can become unsafe for queer people. Strangers can be dangerous, family members can be aggressive, friends can be mean-spirited, employers can be discriminatory. It might be a simple joke or an awful comment, voluntary or accidental, targeted or not. If you or someone else is able to speak out publicly about it—as long as it does not put someone into more danger—there might be other solutions. For one, you can always try to educate this person as to why what they said was wrong; but that might also not be a possibility.
“To a certain extent, it’s true that some people are going to be a product of their generation. My grandpa is like that, yes, a product of his generation, but also it’s because he doesn’t want to change; and my grandma is not like that and she was willing to change.” Excusing someone’s comments or actions does not at all help the person that was hurt to feel better; it only normalizes homophobia and establishes it as a thing that cannot be fought—which it most definitely can. Though it might not always be possible, you might have to resort to confronting the person or making sure to separate this person from the queer people in your life. You can stay in contact with this person, but please make sure not to create a hostile environment around your loved ones.
- Do research about the queer community
Maybe you still have questions that you didn’t really want to ask your loved one, like things that sound stupid or like stereotypes. The best thing would always be to ask a queer person directly, but if you do not know anyone else or feel comfortable asking them either, the internet has millions of people that are just begging to tell you what it feels like to be them. Social media and google might hold the answers to all of your questions, though you must be careful to look for opinions that are understanding or at the very least unbiased, because instructing yourself on the conservative alternative will do more harm to your loved one than any good. Overall, look for what actual queer people have to say, not the media or people talking for a community that they are not a part of. You might just make mistakes, but the important thing is that you learn and overcome problems.
- Remember who they are
The person in front of you is the same person as before. Just because their sexual or gender identity varies from what you originally thought, does not mean that they should fundamentally be viewed as anything different. There is a general rule that states that if you really love the person, then there is no reason to stop loving this person because of it; otherwise, you do not really love the person, rather the image that you had of them. You may stay friends with your partner, or find out that your own sexuality might be more open than you once thought.
Thanks to the LGBTQ+ club for their help!
Quotes from anonymous members.
Condensed Version
- Do not interrupt: Let them speak; it’s their coming out, not yours! Basically, wait until it’s your turn to speak or ask questions.
- Be understanding: You might not be able to understand what it’s like to identify as queer, but you can understand that you cannot understand, and that it’s okay.
- Stay respectful: Even if you might have view points that differ, you have no reason to insult or denigrate the person. They are still a human being, just like you.
- Reassure and validate: Tell them that you love them regardless.
- Do not tell others without permission: Some people may not be safe for queer people. Or the person might not be ready for everyone to know. You cannot know everyone’s story, so basically, if someone trusted you with their identity, then you should not tell anyone else.
- Do not force someone to come out: Putting pressure on others is never good. The person might not be ready, and putting pressure on them is not going to help them with their coming out.
- Create a safe environment: Confront or inform unsafe or ignorant people around you. Make sure to make the person feel that you are safe and that the people around you also are.
- Do research about the queer community: If you have questions but cannot ask the person directly, you can always turn to queer people on the internet and their story.
- Remember who they are: If you love someone, their sexual or gender identity is not going to change that. They are the same person and should not be looked at any differently.
Resources
https://interligne.co/
https://grisquebec.org/
https://www.fondationemergence.org/
